“We used to be intimate all the time. I don’t know what happened.” I hear this a lot from the couples I work with. Their relationship started out so passionate and romantic. Now, years later, they find intimacy lacking, and they are not sure why. Is the Honeymoon Over?Part of the reason is what most people think about: the honeymoon phase is over. Of course, there is a lot of truth to this. Dr. John Gottman calls these early days “limerence.” It is a time when bodies release feel-good hormones that give you that feeling of deep connection. As great as this period is, it can’t last forever. Although the passion does fade a bit over time, this is often not the only (or even main) reason intimacy and romance fade. Research by Dr. Gottman uncovered a direct and very strong correlation between the amount of fondness and admiration in a relationship and a couple’s satisfaction with romance, passion, and sex. Couples who report feeling love, appreciation, and admiration from their partner also reported more passion and sex in the relationship. Sex is a very vulnerable act. It makes sense that most people would be hesitant to engage sexually with someone they weren’t even sure liked them. A Ratio for LoveWhat I see a lot in my practice is that couples usually do love, respect, and appreciate one another but neither partner actually feels this in the relationship. Often this is because there is not enough positivity in the relationship. Dr. Gottman’s research on thousands of couples showed, for your partner to feel loved, respected, and appreciated, there must be 20 positive interactions for any one negative interaction. This means that every time you accidentally hurt your partner’s feelings, miss a bid, or have an otherwise tense moment in the relationship, you will need to balance that with 20 positive interactions for your partner to continue to feel loved, respected, and admired. (Editor’s Note: the other commonly referenced ratio is 5:1, which applies specifically to interactions within conflict—learn more here) This statistic shocks most of my couples. However, the brain is wired to notice and respond to the negative. It is necessary for survival. What this means in relationships is that any negative interaction you have with your partner will stick out in your mind. It will take 20 positive interactions to counteract it. So if you are missing the romance and passion your relationship used to have, it may mean that you and your partner are not hitting the 1:20 ratio. Tips for Sharing Fondness and AdmirationThe good news is that there are many ways you can increase the positivity in your relationship so that you both feel appreciated and you can rebuild intimacy. Below are some ideas to get you started:
Final ThoughtThe options are endless. Whatever way that you express your admiration, make sure you do so more than any negativity you express. When you both feel loved, admired, and appreciated in the relationship, it sets the stage for the romance and passion to flourish. Learn how to share fondness, admiration, and so much more at the next Art and Science of Love workshop. At this live two-day virtual event, you and your partner will hear from Gottman-trained experts about how to keep your emotional bank account full and the romance alive. Register today! The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. More than 40 years of research with thousands of couples proves a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below. Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/09/fondness-admiration-and-intimacy/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=fondness-admiration-and-intimacy
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