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Description: Click here to get New: The Dating Apocolpyse at discounted price while it’s still available… All orders are protected by SSL encryption – the highest industry standard for online security from trusted vendors. Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/09/new-the-dating-apocolpyse/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=new-the-dating-apocolpyse Most people know what it feels like in the beginning of a relationship when both of your brains are busy bringing you together, as in the “honeymoon phase.” Romantic love produces high levels of dopamine, creating euphoric feelings and the resulting behaviors for each other. You are at the beginning of building emotional safety, putting energy into prioritizing, listening and validating each other. Your best face is forward in your kindness and attentiveness as you slowly build important trust between you. You spend a lot of time thinking about each other, and you may feel the warm and fuzzies of a love buzz. Much have been said about the fact that this phase typically fades. Couples are hopefully left with the aspects of each other that they fell in love with to flow with the ups and downs of life together. It can be fairly seamless but often not. If there was an over-focus on the high of early love and not enough insight into the realities of each other, including the less desirable parts, the transition may be a challenge. As vulnerabilities or “warts” start to reveal themselves, how well do couples adapt? Back to emotional safety. With the glow of the “honeymoon” out of sight in the rearview mirror, they need to rely on other connection points. Ideally, they really enjoy being with each other, have mutual trust and respect and shared relationship goals to positively move ahead. If they have general good will and a collaborative spirit, they can avoid letting mistakes or life pitfalls cast doubt on their ability to rely on each other. But what keeps intimate partnerships thriving for the long haul? Communication, conflict resolution, crisis management ability, finances and views on parenting are some of the few keys but there is one aspect that can be missed. The little moments are the often-overlooked glue of long-term relationships.Life goes on. Days become weeks, become months and then years. Couples need to adapt to things happening internally and externally in their lives. But the “little moments” of their ongoing interaction patterns are critical. The list of these moments can be infinite as people feel loved in different ways but the important thing is that whatever it is for each person in the relationship, that the little moments happen and somewhat regularly. Here are a few:
If you think back to the beginning of your relationship, many of the above or others may have been happening. You both probably were very clear that you mattered to each other and felt loved. It’s natural for some of the more intimate behaviors to drop off over time but all of it dropping off is a red flag. And for some of you, none have every been there and you may be reflecting on the impact of that. No matter what is going on in the relationship, the messaging to each other that they are loved and matter is a critical component. Loving micro-behaviors are unique to each couple and are a thread keeping them connected over time. Know that people have different levels of need for these so in some cases one may desperately need them to remain connected and for the other it may not be as organic (due likely to earlier experiences and attachment styles). All of this can get quite complicated and unfortunately, breed resentment and disconnection if not addressed. Uh oh. The “glue” is lacking in my relationship.A lack of out-of-bed intimacy can put the freeze on in-bed intimacy. For the many who need general intimacy intact to feel well connected, the thought of sex with your partner at this point may literally feel viscerally negative. The long-term consequences of not having that thread or glue intact can be eroding disconnection originally fueled by a slow burning sense of rejection. One solution is to ask your partner for what you need. Even if it’s not natural, they then have the opportunity to create new habits for the sake of your relationship. Hopefully, they hear and respond to this. Sometimes it’s just a matter of relationship laziness over a long period of time. If one or both of you does some of these but the other hasn’t been great at responding positively, try to change this. The risk is the one doing the behaviors will eventually stop, leaving the relationship even more vulnerable to disconnection, not having the glue it needs to stick together. If the issue runs deeper as a result of resentment or other unresolved issues, creating an obstacle to the above-mentioned micro-behaviors, seek couples therapy to dig deeper to try to get back on track. The little things legitimately matter. Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/05/the-often-overlooked-glue-of-long-term-relationships/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-often-overlooked-glue-of-long-term-relationships Have you ever dated a guy who wasn’t treating you well? Maybe he’d flake out on plans at the last minute, never come through on his promises, or be straight up LYING to your face. Or, have you ever had a girlfriend who continues to attract jerk after jerk, and you cannot for the life of you understand how she can’t see through their BS? This woman is a QUEEN, and she’s chosen THIS guy?! Why is it that good women seem to attract bad guys into their world? I’ve been asking myself the same question. If you’re banging your head against a brick wall, wondering why bad things keep happening to good women like you, you’re in the right place. Here are 3 reasons why good women attract bad guys. Once you know why you find yourself repeating the same dating patterns, you can then work on breaking the cycle. Because the truth is, every bad guy you date is sucking up your precious time and energy and keeping you from one of the AMAZING guys you’ve been searching for (yes, I promise they’re out there, and yes, they’re looking for you too). Are you ready to take an oath with me? *I (NAME) solemnly swear that I will NEVER waste a second of my fabulous energy on a guy who does not deserve me and will NEVER be able to give me what I want from a relationship.* Any time you feel yourself being sucked into a bad boy’s web, remember the promise you made right here. Your Coach, PS. If you’re ready to start making men pursue you for love, then join me on this free webinar to discover the 3 steps to building emotional attraction – Register here to get started (it’s 100% free). Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/05/3-reasons-why-good-women-attract-bad-guys/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=3-reasons-why-good-women-attract-bad-guys
I’ve always described myself as a perfectionist. I wore it like a badge of honor. To me, it meant that I had high standards. I was hard-working and dedicated. I cared about everything I did, and always did my best. The opposite would be quitting. Giving up and being half-hearted. I credited my perfectionism with good grades at school, turning out essays that were rewritten until they felt perfect. After I graduated, it meant doing well at my corporate job, putting in extra time, and taking on more and more responsibilities, often for no extra pay or even recognition! I did more all the time because I needed it to be exactly so. But then I started to notice something. I was outwardly doing well, getting good at my job and earning recognition too. Yet it felt small. I’d always thought of myself as someone who tried their best, but the truth is that I was a quitter, not a trier. I abandoned anything that I wasn’t immediately good at. And each time I made a mistake, no matter how small, I dropped that task or interest too. I was narrowing my experiences to a smaller and smaller list of things I was certain I could do well. I was so afraid of failing, I wasn’t even trying anymore. Because that’s what perfectionism is really. Fear of failure. It’s paralyzing because the gnawing pressure means you can’t start anything. It’s cowardice dressed up as high standards. And there was so much I wanted to try. There were so many things I felt sure I’d enjoy, but never had a go at. What if I failed? What if I was rubbish? The idea was so unbearable that it was easier to leave it as an unknown. If I didn’t try, I couldn’t fail. I often spent time watching other people do amazing things and feel bitterly envious. I spent hours scrolling through social media, watching people make beautiful artworks. I loved seeing their hands create, and I felt this pull to have a go. But I put it off, scared I wouldn’t be any good. And then one day I was heading out to meet a friend, and she was running late. And I found myself waiting for her outside a shopping center when I spotted an art supply store. And before I could stop myself, I bought a tiny set of paints, some paper, and brushes. I headed home full of anticipation, opened them up, and started painting. And the results were… really bad. Frustrated, I pushed everything into a drawer and decided to forget the idea. But then a weird thing happened – I kept thinking about being a quitter. And so I got the paints back out and started again. And I’m still terrible at painting, but my motivation this time isn’t diminished. I decided to share my progress on social media, showing the workings behind the scenes, the effort instead of the filtered perfection. Now, three years later, I paint almost every day and have set up my own art business. I regularly fail and make a mess, but I never quit. And even better, I’m constantly trying new subjects and other mediums. I’ve had experiences that just a few years ago I couldn’t even have imagined. I’ve taught online painting workshops and attended life drawing classes. I’ve sparked friendships with fellow creatives from around the world. And most importantly, I’ve failed a bunch and I just kept going. Because I’m no longer aiming for perfection or even excellence, I’m simply enjoying the process. And I’m so much happier. Now, my advice to fellow perfectionists who want to change their lives is this: recognize that’s a fear, not a strength. Pick something you’ve always wanted to try and get stuck in, and then make yourself come back again tomorrow too. You won’t regret it. Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/05/how-painting-helped-me-conquer-perfectionism/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-painting-helped-me-conquer-perfectionism “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” Getting started with doing what you deep down want to do in life can be hard. No matter if what you want is to start exercising, create your own business on the side, write a book, see other parts of the world, improve your relationship with yourself or something entirely else. But often we make getting started a lot harder than it needs to be by standing in our own way. So today I’d like to share 3 things you need to stop doing to step out of your own way and make it so much easier to actually get started instead of just keep dreaming about it. 1. Stop making it a huge and vague thing in your mind. The more you think about whatever you want to get started with the bigger it tends to become in your head. And as you keep thinking about the various ways this could go it tends to become scarier and scarier. So do this instead: Get knowledge from the others who have been where you want to go. To defuse vague fears about what could happen if you got started and about the unclear unknown, get information from people who have already gone where you want to go. It is easier than ever to find them today. Look them up online and read what they have written and said or send them an email. Or go ask someone you know in real life that has done what you want to do. Ask yourself: Honestly, what is realistically the worst that could happen? Take a couple of deep breaths to calm down your mind a bit. Then ask yourself this question. You’ll realize that in most cases the worst thing that could realistically happen is not that bad. It may sting for a bit. But it is something you can handle. And it is a situation you can find something to do about if this worst case scenario were to happen. The clarity you get from this question can – in my experience – reduce fears quite a bit. 2. Stop trying to control everything. Being prepared and knowing some things certainly helps. But it can become a trap when you try to control it all or think things through 50 times to be on the safe side and to not risk making mistakes, fail or look like a fool. What to do instead: Realize: you will stumble and that is OK. It happens to anyone who steps outside of his or her comfort zone. It has happened to everyone you may admire and who have lived a life that is inspiring. It is simply a part of a life well lived. And if you reflect on what you can learn from a mistake then that will be invaluable to help you grow and improve. Learn to set time-limits for small decisions at first. If you have trouble with overthinking then set a time-limit for when you have to make a decision. This might seem a bit scary though. So start small and set a 30-60 second time-limit when trying to decide if you are going to work out or reply to an email. Do that for a while and then move on to slightly bigger decisions. And then even bigger ones after that. 3. Stop thinking that you have to get started in a big and spectacular way. If you have a big goal or dream or even a medium sized one then it is easy to think that you have to take an action of the same size to get started or to get where you want to go. That is most often not true though. What to do instead: Go small. Just ask yourself: what is one small step I can take today to get the ball rolling with my goal/dream? Then take just that small action. And tomorrow or later on today you can do the same thing again. If that question still lands you in procrastination then ask yourself: What is one tiny step I can take to get the ball rolling? Single-task each little step. Focus on just the one step you are taking. Nothing else. Otherwise it is easy to get lost in thought, to go off track or to feel uncomfortable or fearful. So keep your attention on just this one action and step forward. And after that, the next one. Let these actions build day after day into something bigger. And before you know it you’ll have gone quite a distance on your journey.
Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/05/3-things-you-need-to-stop-doing-to-get-started/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=3-things-you-need-to-stop-doing-to-get-started “I love that we’re reversing the question,” said Dr. Dana Varble, the chief veterinary officer for the North American Veterinary Community. “In general, it is a very good thing for animals to sleep with their people.” Pets who share their human’s bed tend to have a “higher trust level and a tighter bond with the humans that are in their lives. It’s a big display of trust on their part,” Varble said. “Dogs and cats who are more closely bonded with their humans get additional health benefits, including increases in beneficial neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and dopamine, the feel-good hormones,” she added. Is it just dogs and cats who benefit from human bed partners? Yes, Varble said, with a “very, very few exceptions.”
“I have one owner who has a meticulously groomed pot-bellied pig who sleeps at the foot of their bed,” she said. “It’s an indoor pig named Norbert — pot-bellied pigs are almost like dogs because they’re very social.” (Norbert even has his own Instagram account.)
Pros and cons for humansWith that important matter out of the way, let’s turn to you — is it good for you to sleep with a pet? Experts have traditionally said no because you might not get quality shut-eye. “Animals may move, bark and disrupt sleep. Sleep in dogs (and cats) is not continuous and they will inevitably get up and walk on the bed, stepping on people. All of that activity will lead to sleep fragmentation,” said Dr. Vsevolod Polotsky, director of sleep research and a professor in the department of medicine at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. These “microawakenings,” which can happen without your awareness, “are disruptive because they pull you out of deep sleep,” said Kristen Knutson, an associate professor of neurology and preventive medicine at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine. “They have been associated with the release of the stress hormone, cortisol, which can make sleep even worse.” That may be true for many of us, but recent studies have shown that pets in the bedroom could be beneficial for some of us. “People with depression or anxiety may benefit from having their pet in the bed because the pet is a big pillow, a big blanket, and they may feel that snuggly, cuddly, furry creature decreases their anxiety,” said sleep specialist Dr. Raj Dasgupta, an assistant professor of clinical medicine at the Keck School of Medicine at the University of Southern California.
Data gathered in 2017 from the Mayo Clinic’s Center for Sleep Medicine in Phoenix found over half of pet owners seen in the clinic allowed their pet to sleep in the bedroom — and the majority found their pet “unobtrusive or even beneficial to sleep.”
About 20% however, did believe their furry friends made their slumber worse.
Another 2017 study put sleep trackers on dogs and their humans to measure the quality of repose for both. People who had their dogs in their bedroom got a decent night’s rest (and so did the dogs), the research team found.
However, sleep quality declined when people moved their dog from the floor to the bed.
Children may benefit from sleeping with a pet as well. A 2021 study asked adolescents ages 13 to 17 to wear sleep trackers for two weeks and then undergo a state-of-the-art sleep test. About a third of the kids slept with a pet, the study noted, which didn’t appear to affect the quality of their rest.
“In fact, frequent co-sleepers showed similar sleep profiles to those who never slept with pets,” the authors wrote. “All of this suggests that having pets in the bed or bedroom is not necessarily bad,” said Dr. Bhanu Prakash Kolla, a sleep medicine specialist in the Center for Sleep Medicine at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. “There can be significant psychological comfort in having your pet close by, which can help both initiate and maintain sleep,” Kolla said. “However, if patients are reporting that movement or other activities of the pet are disruptive to their sleep we then counsel them to try to look at alternate arrangements for the pet at night and see if that helps with their sleep,” he added.
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A setup for success
Successfully co-sleeping with your pet has a lot to do with how deeply both you and your pet sleep, says clinical psychologist and sleep specialist Michael Breus, the author of “Good Night: The Sleep Doctor’s 4-Week Program to Better Sleep and Better Health.”
“Dogs are usually good for an entire night but cats can be very nocturnal,” Breus said, adding that another factor is how “much you both move, as movement by the animal can wake the human and vice versa.”
Pets, like people, can also snore and disrupt sleep, so be sure to take that into account, Breus said. Small dogs and cats often like to snuggle under the covers with their people, but that can raise your body temperature and disrupt your sleep. (The best sleeping temperature is a bit chilly, at 65 degrees Fahrenheit or 18.3 degrees Celsius.)
If you’re thinking of bringing your fur baby to bed, Breus suggested you give it a try for only a couple of nights, so that you don’t condition your pet to expect it before you decide if it’s good for you. Some of us should abstainDespite the new science, many of us still need to think twice about bringing our dogs, cats or indoor pigs into our beds. “It is particularly harmful in people with insomnia or in patients with other sleep disorders — patients with delayed sleep phase (night owls) or even in folks with sleep apnea, who wake up from breathing cessation and then are unable to go back to sleep,” Polotsky said.
Up to 30% of the American public suffers from insomnia and at least 25 million adults suffer from obstructive sleep apnea, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.
“Insomniacs are the most susceptible,” Polotsky said. “Co-sleeping with pets will not necessarily predispose or precipitate insomnia, but it might perpetuate it.” Anytime your sleep cycles are interrupted, you disturb the brain’s ability to repair itself on a cellular level, consolidate memories, store new information, and ready the body for optimal performance. The “sweet spot” for a proper rest is when you can slumber continuously though the four stages of sleep four to six times each night. Since each cycle is roughly 90 minutes long, most people need seven to eight hours of relatively uninterrupted sleep to achieve this goal.
A chronic lack of solid rest, therefore, impacts your ability to pay attention, learn new things, be creative, solve problems and make decisions.
It gets even darker: Studies find people who experience frequent night awakenings are at high risk for developing dementia or dying early from any cause as they age.
Breathing issuesThere is another reason why snuggling with pets all night may not be good for your health. If you are one of the millions of people who suffer from asthma, allergies or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, sleeping with a furball could become a nightmare. “My asthma patients, my COPD patients, they always say, ‘Hey Doc, don’t worry, my dog doesn’t shed,'” said Dasgupta, who is also a pulmonologist. “And I tell them, ‘Yes, but remember, allergens are in saliva, they are in the dog’s skin. So you’re gonna be exposed to allergens for eight hours at night and suffer watery eyes and a stuffy nose. That, along with the animal’s movement, could well prevent you from getting some good sleep,'” he said. Some pets should not join the family bedLet’s get back to what’s best for your pet: When is it not a good idea for a furry friend to sleep with you? “Obviously, young puppies or dogs that are working through behavior issues — it might not be good for them to sleep with you,” Varble said. “If you have a dog with anxiety, we teach that kennels are a safe space. “Kennels that have three sides make them feel like they only have to ‘protect themselves’ from one angle. We want to teach them that there’s a secure place in your house,” she said. And there are some pets, Varble said, you should never invite to bed to spoon. “I work with exotic pets, and a lot of them have very specific health and safety requirements, including being in an enclosure,” Varble said. “So while I know people who are very close to their ferrets and their guinea pigs, they need to be in their enclosure for their health at night. Those are not animals that we would want to have in bed with us.” Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/05/is-sleeping-with-your-pets-good-for-them-and-you-experts-weigh-in/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=is-sleeping-with-your-pets-good-for-them-and-you-experts-weigh-in In the run-up to World Vegan Day, we thought we’d broach the subject dreaded by all of you out there with a plant-based diet. The moment when you have to tell someone “I’m vegetarian” or “I’m vegan” when you don’t speak the language… It’s there, on the menu. There’s nothing suspicious about it. It has an appetising name in Spanish: bocadillo vegetal (vegetable sandwich). You’re starving, and can’t wait for that first bite. Finally, the waiter shouts “¡vegetal!” (vegetable, referring to the sandwich). Your sandwich is here… and it has tuna in it. Why? Because in Spain bocadillos vegetales, despite what the name suggests, often come filled with tuna. Communicating that you’re vegetarian or vegan in another language can be tricky, especially when the name of a dish suggests there are no animal products in it. But fellow veggies/vegans, don’t worry! As someone who has been a vegetarian for more than 20 years and comes from jamónland (aka Salamanca), there are definitely ways to make it clear that you’re vegetarian or vegan when speaking other languages. A few key survival phrases under your belt (or written down in your notebook!) can go a long way. Here’s how to say you’re vegetarian or vegan in different languages: How to say you’re vegan or vegetarian in SpanishLet’s start with the language I know best.
How to say you’re vegan or vegetarian in ItalianIf you go to any Mediterranean country, the most common veggie option will be pasta. So you’re in luck: in Italy opens up a world of deliciousness for you. There are so many varieties of pasta to make your taste buds shout, è buonissimo! (it’s delicious!) from the rooftops. Here’s how to say you’re vegetarian vegan in Italian:
How to say you’re vegan or vegetarian in Portuguese (Brazil)If you’re ever travelling through Brazil, try pão de queijo for breakfast and add all the fresh fruit you can imagine alongside it. Or, if you happen to go to any of the typical por kilo restaurants (where your plate is priced by the kilo), learn how to check their vegetarian and vegan options with these essential phrases:
How to say you’re vegan or vegetarian in FrenchFrance may be the land of cheese and butter, but mes amis vegans – my vegan friends – I’ve got your back.
Now that you know how to ask for vegetarian and vegan dishes in four different languages, why not travel, explore and enjoy local vegetarian and vegan food? There are so many delicious options on offer! Go beyond “I’m vegan” and start learning a language with Busuu today. Enjoyed this post? You’ll also like…Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/05/how-to-say-youre-vegan-or-vegetarian-in-different-languages-busuu/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-to-say-youre-vegan-or-vegetarian-in-different-languages-busuu
Have you been thinking about leaving altogether? But you really can’t face the idea of breaking up, being all alone, or disturbing your family life. Well, there is a simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around! As the great psychologist, William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” The Power of AppreciationSo the simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around is the use of the most powerful strategy in relationships–Appreciation! In the practice of appreciation, the partner’s flaws are not the focus. Instead of grimacing about her husband’s workaholic ways and being grumpy about his paunch, a happy wife sees a man who is providing beautifully— in other words, a winner. Instead of zoning in on his wife’s moodiness and complaining about her not wanting enough sex, a happy husband sees a warm, funny minx that lights up his life. In fact, this simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around is based on how healthy partners act. They consider each other through a glass half-full perspective rather than a half-empty one. In other words, they tend to appreciate each other’s positives rather than their negatives. But What About Me?So I know that right now you are NOT feeling too happy with your partner. Yet, whether you like it or not, research shows that gratitude is the royal road to happiness. Studies have shown that healthy couples practice appreciation, which leads to gratefulness. Because they’re focused on blessings, they enjoy their lives together much more than those who focus on what’s wrong. To use this simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around: Understand that when you are busy counting your misfortunes, it is next to impossible to make yourself or your partner happy. I know, I know, YOU need to be appreciated, cherished, and loved up. You may be dealing with a partner who is clueless, mean, distant, or perhaps even acting like an a-hole right now. (Note: If you are dealing with physical abuse, or a violent partner, safety is your main concern. Please consult a trained professional, such as a therapist or counselor who specializes in abuse to help you ASAP.) I know that you may feel resentful, rejected, lonely, disappointed, abandoned, or emotionally abused. You are TOTALLY RIGHT in feeling upset. I have definitely been there many times myself. So when you go in to find something to appreciate about your partner, it may be very difficult to see anything that is positive right now. I get it. So what to do with the upset?Here’s what: For your own sake I want you to set it aside for just a few minutes each day for this week. Let your resentment and upset go for a moment. Do this as a gift to yourself first and foremost. Being self-righteous and angry is like pouring poison into your brain—you are the one who is suffering. Not your partner. So take a break from “being right” so that YOU can be happy. Just a few times a day. First, to activate a simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around: Answer Key Questions to Harness the Super Magic of Appreciation and Gratitude:
Second, to activate a simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around: Imagine What Loss Would Be Like
Imagine that your relationship falls apart and your partner is now married to someone else. The other person is enjoying all the perks of being with your Beloved. You have the cloak of invisibility and con watch as your partner wakes up with his or her new spouse, shares intimate moments, great meals, hot sex, and goes shopping for their new home.
Finally, to activate a simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around: Set Up Your Last Day for Living in a State of Love
To the extent possible, given the cooperation of your partner, follow through on your ideas and have a beautiful day of love. Please use this simple hack to quickly turn your relationship around. Chances are you will be shocked at how love blossoms with your partner! But, if you need some help, definitely have a gift coaching session to help you turn things around in your love life. It can be done! Here’s what one of our clients had to say: “Things had gone stale with my boyfriend of two years. We were drifting apart and I started feeling alone and lonely most of the time. He was a good guy, but tended to be a workaholic. I started working with one of Dr. Diana’s coaches, who supported me in turning things around. After I changed my mindset to more appreciation on a one-day-at-a-time basis, things shifted so much. I started texting him notes about how great he was in bed and telling him how funny he was. He responded to me the same way! NOW, we’re laughing and having more fun than ever! And more sex! Last night he proposed to me and I accepted! I am so grateful to my coach. Over the moon, really!” -Gina in LA
Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/01/a-simple-hack-to-quickly-turn-your-relationship-around/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-simple-hack-to-quickly-turn-your-relationship-around Some lies seem inconsequential—known as “white lies.” Are they ever okay? You might think, ‘Well, it depends on the situation.’ The conventional wisdom about white lies is that they are mostly okay, depending on the situation. It’s commonly agreed that lying is fine in these situations to:
Maybe this advice is for people you don’t know very well, but when it comes to primary romantic relationships, it’s better to put the extra work into total transparency, even when there might be a moment of discomfort. A Little Story about a Date Night Full of LiesOne evening, early in my dating life with my now-husband, we were going for a leisurely walk through the streets of Philadelphia. When I mentioned I was hungry for dessert, his eyes lit up as he told me he wanted to show me one of his favorite shops in the city. We entered a French patisserie with quaint tables and chairs and a display case of row after row of French pastries. We were both on cloud nine, giddy and falling in love. Then our dessert came. It was a tray of tiny assorted pastries and tarts beautifully plated with ribbons of chocolate. These items might make your mouth water, but not mine. Maybe there’s something profoundly wrong with me, but I hate pastries. I am a cheap date when it comes to dessert. I prefer a candy bar or bag of jelly beans over a torte or flaky croissant. But what do you think I said? “Wow, this is amazing,” I lied. I was raised to eat everything on my plate and gush about anything that was given to me. Especially food. So I raved about how delicious these little desserts were. Not only did I swallow them to be polite, but I also pretended to love them. We were having such an amazing time. I really liked him, and it all seemed so perfect. I didn’t want to spoil it by saying, “I hate French pastries. Cheese doesn’t belong in dessert, ever, and I don’t understand why everyone pretends mini cheesecakes are delicious.” I was following the age-old “it depends” advice. I told myself there was nothing wrong with pretending to like the deserts because I was just being polite and appreciative. Fast forward six months. “Surprise! Remember one of our first dates at the Pink Rose? I picked up some treats for us!” He showed me a beautiful pink box tied up with a satin ribbon. I was so tempted to lie again, but I knew that if I didn’t ‘fess up, I’d be getting these surprise “treats” for the rest of our married life. We both had a big laugh over it. His feelings were not hurt at all. In fact, he was delighted to have the entire box to himself. What Pastry Trays Have to Do with Relationship LongevityMaybe you can’t relate to my warped culinary palette, but I imagine there have been times when you’ve wanted to avoid ruining a pleasant moment. Maybe you didn’t want to risk spoiling the mood, coming across as rude, or appearing unappreciative. It’s true that pretending to enjoy the mini cheesecake didn’t hurt anyone, and nothing bad came of it. This isn’t an ethical debate of right or wrong. Advice to tell the whole truth is the direct result of relationship science. Experts such as Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues conducted decades of research to measure human behavior. The results from these experiments show a direct correlation between transparency and long-term relationship satisfaction. Three Reasons to Tell The Truth, Even If it Causes Some Discomfort
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of knowing each other well. Research shows that couples who ask each other questions and answer them honestly are more likely to be happy together than those who don’t.
It’s tempting to avoid minor disagreements by telling yourself there’s no need to speak up when a topic seems harmless. This is risky. Minor irritants can turn into resentments if not addressed early on. It’s like taking the time to remove a tiny pebble from your shoe so you can comfortably continue your walk.
It’s common knowledge that couples build trust through transparency. But most people think of things such as breaking a monogamy agreement or hiding financial information when they imagine what violates trust. It’s usually much less dramatic than that. You build trust every single time you say something, even if it’s a tiny bit controversial. What to Do Instead of Following the: “It Depends” Logic for While LiesYou don’t have to choose between kindness and honesty. You can embrace both these values at the same time, but it will take a bit more time to find the right words. Here are some examples:
One next step for you to consider is starting a conversation with your partner about white lies. Ask them what they think about the conventional wisdom, “It depends on the situation.” Hopefully, it will lead to an interesting and engaging conversation! Connect, communicate, and have more fun with Laura’s “52 Dates in 52 Weeks” weekly planner for couples. Via http://successlovelife.com/2021/11/01/the-big-debate-over-little-lies/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-big-debate-over-little-lies |
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